The Lobbyist, The Drudge, The Times, The Fixer — Courant.com
The Lobbyist, The Drudge, The Times, The Fixer

The older I get, the less I want to know about anybody else’s sex life. If you put a picture face down in front of me and told me it was Tiger Woods and Lindsay Lohan engaged in an act of lewd and lascivious congress, I would not turn it over.

I did look at the nude Marilyn Monroe tribute photos of Lohan in the current New York magazine, but not until her mother, Dina, had assured us that they were art. The pictures, I think she meant.

So I don’t much care whether John McCain had an affair with Vicki Iseman, a lobbyist for several telecommunications companies with business before the committee he chaired. The New York Times alleged this on Thursday, and one of the things that the article proved right away was that, although Republicans are deeply divided, the two forces that can unite them are their love of our American freedoms and their hatred of New York Times yuppie scum, they should die like pigs in hell.

Even Joe Lieberman, who is not a Republican but who often “unites” with them, and sometimes on the first date, accused the Times of “puking” up 8-year-old rumors. That may not sound senatorial to you, but it was in fact a respectful invocation of Sen. Henry Clay’s famous 1850 speech about compromise, in which Clay asked: “What if, in the march of this nation to greatness and power, we should be buried beneath the puke that propels it onward?”

Lieberman had an even more important role to play in convincing us of McCain’s innocence. He explained that he and McCain had traveled the world and met many lovely ladies and that he had never seen McCain do anything inappropriate.

Not that there haven’t been some opportunities for those two mack daddies, right? When they hit Abu Dhabi in their Miami Vice unstructured white sports jackets and Don Johnson cheek stubble, it’s like ring-a-ding-ding, hey there, you with the stars in your eyes. I’m sure that China doll down in old Hong Kong waits for their return.

If only they weren’t so darned ethical!, say all those beautiful babies whose hearts are breaking. With Joe Lieberman as his wing man, McCain could have sampled the sexual banquet tables of this world, and not just young American lobbyists who look exactly like Amy Poehler impersonating his wife.

Anyway, my current theory is that McCain, sensing his campaign was in trouble, had one of his most trusted lieutenants, John Weaver, leak this sex scandal to The New York Times, knowing that all Times-hating Republicans would flock to his standard if the story ran.